Catholic Church to Radicalize

“There is a need to radicalize Catholicism,” confirmed papal spokesman Guilemont Bartesi on Friday, shortly after the announcement was made that Achmed Abdul Achmed from Riyadh, Saudi Arabia would take over the position of pope on March the first. The decision came after the shocking retirement of Pope Benedict XVI on Monday.

Achmed Abdul Achmed is eager to start his papal duties.

Achmed Abdul Achmed is eager to start his papal duties.

The declaration sparked debate all over the world. “He’s an Arab. We simply can’t have that,” cried May Sunderland from Philadelphia. “I simply can’t stand for this.”

Dirk Veenstra from Rotterdam was a bit more forthcoming. “I think this could be a good move by the Catholic Church, he commented. “There is a need by the Catholic Church to return to the values it once had.”

For centuries the Catholic Church had a lot of influence over the Western world, stifling progress until the renaissance broke the shackles. The church has been scrambling to consolidate power ever since, losing ground to Islam, that remained steadfast in its oppressive, thought controlling ways. It is hoped that the radicalization of the Catholic Church will tighten the grip of fear the institution once had.

Bartesi is adamant that a lot of thought went into the decision. “The Catholic Church is under siege,” he said. “We need a pope with the skills and know-how to launch a considerable strike back in the name of the Vatican. Muslim extremists have all the experience that is necessary to subjugate people into accepting their ways, spread fear and force conformity. We have no doubt that Achmed Abdul Achmed is the right man for the job. He has everything we need to hasten our return to the Dark Ages.”

When asked if it is morally conflicting to spread a religion with violence, Bartesi responded that there is no conflict whatsoever. “If people want to burn in hell, why not send them there early?”

Not everyone is convinced, like Juan Almodovar from Palencia, Spain. “I don’t know… I just don’t know,” he said, shaking his head before gulping more wine. “I think I should become an atheist. God help us. God help us all.”

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