Toilet Paper for Jesus

Atheists claim that getting no help when toilet paper runs out at an inconvenient time is proof that there is no God. In a desperate attempt to end the mockery of non-believers, a church group has vowed to provide toilet paper everywhere, all the time, whenever it runs out at an inopportune moment.

The Bodin Road Baptist Church, the organization behind the “Toilet Paper for Jesus” campaign, is looking for donations of toilet paper to keep a non-stop supply available to bathrooms everywhere. Christians the world over are called upon to send money or unused rolls of tissue.

The Bodin Road Baptist Church requests support for the Toilet Paper for Jesus campaign.

The Bodin Road Baptist Church requests support for the Toilet Paper for Jesus campaign.

“We hope it will once and for all prove the existence of god,” said Pastor James Kirkham, head of the project. “If toilet paper never runs out, it proves that God is good, that God always provides, therefore god exists.”

Skeptics always demand proof. The church believes that it is the duty of every Christian to manufacture proof, so that everyone can witness the greatness that is God. “If we can ensure that God provides a miracle at every given opportunity, there is no way any atheist will be able to argue against his divine love, and they will have no choice but to accept his grace and submit to His glorious will,” interjected brother Philip Seamore, one of the diligent deacons. “There is no better way to do this than by supplying toilet paper to those trapped in the lowest and most embarrassing moments in life.”

Religion has a long, uncomfortable history with preying on those who are in need, exploiting them at their weakest moments and duping them into acknowledging the power of Christ, but Pastor Kirkham is adamant that this is not the case. “I’m rather offended by that suggestion. We are merely doing good in the world.”

Some members of the congregation have suggested that it may not be considered a miracle if people are responsible for supplying the sacred rolls. Pastor Kirkham responded by claiming that it’s God’s will that guides them, and if God can guide them to be at the right place at the right time often enough, then surely it must be a miracle. “When doctors save the life of a patient, do people thank God or the doctor? They thank God, because God guided the doctor. Every patient getting healed is proof that God is good. We aim to provide more proof.”

The church is confident that the project will succeed. Deacon Seamore is confident that, “Even a firm atheist will exclaim ‘Thank God’ when we roll a toilet paper roll underneath the wall of the stall. No doubt.”

© God Shmod – So copy the fuck out of it, send it everywhere, we don’t care. Just keep it all together, intact, as you found it, as it is now, and don’t claim it as your own. if you make money from it, give it to us, you thieving bastard.

6 responses to “Toilet Paper for Jesus

  1. Ya know, maybe you should get your facts straight before you publish things. I live in the same city as this organization, and it’s not a church. It’s a homeless shelter in Ogden, utah. I drive by it everyday on my way to work.

    • Ya know, maybe you should realize that it’s a completely fabricated piece of satire, and the picture is merely coincidental. I wrote it, was going to create my own picture, then found this and used it.

  2. I’m just curious where Jesus saves.. he probably gets a better return on savings than I do… Maybe I will switch banks…

  3. Actually, it’s proof that people who can buy toilet paper exist…. nothing new there LOL Takes the saying “wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which fills up faster” to a whole new level LOL

  4. Pingback: Charmin is Charmin’ | Mark My Words...·

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